So maybe its just me being sad about leaving Kirksville, but I think it is also from the status of relationships thus far. I go into relationships thinking that this will never work because I am never that interested in the person that I end up dating. Normally, I do things for the other person. This is how all of my college relationships have gone thus far. But this time, I do not have that feeling. Even though the situation is bad, I have the feeling that this is a relationship that I could live with for a really long time. This is more of a personal explanation of my feelings to myself than to anyone in particular.
I have gone through several relationships just to see if it would eventually work out and I could mimic their adoration for me. It has never worked that way because I have always been afraid to pursue what I have desired. This situation is different and it makes me feel so selfish and illogical. It doesn't make sense. I will say that now. But I have never done anything for myself in terms of love. I went into a summer relationship with a girl knowing that I couldn't really stand her. She was a bitch. She really wanted sex and so I gave it to her. That didn't work out.
I had a summer fling when I went home basically because he wanted to. Then, when I was done with the relationship, I left. He was severely dissappointed. I was bored. The relationship was stagnant from beginning to end. I did prove to myself that I could emotionally date a boy though. That was good for me. It was really bad for him.
I have done the whole bad relationship thing. I know that I am trying to be selfish, but I think that once in awhile, I deserve to want what I desire. Friends have told me that I don't know him that well. Which is true. I do know what I feel. I guess since I've never really been in a good relationship so I don't know if it would work. I don't know how well my feelings guide me into a good relationship. They might lead me into the same type of relationship that I've always led myself into. And I might just be an asshole.