So I have learned some very precious things over the weekend. One of them is to not drink an obscene amount of alcohol before or while canoeing. Let me explain.
We leave to go camping on a beautiful Friday night. We have no idea exactly how to get to where we are going but have some grand adventures along the way through rural southern Missouri. We finally get to the campground place and I have forgotten the last name of the girl who has the site reserved for us. I tell them that it begins with an H this much I am sure of. In typical "I can't help you fashion", the lady turns around and looks for a few seconds and then says that there are a lot of people staying here each night and shows us the gigantic bin of contracts. I had told her that I thought it was Hogan. She goes back to look again and comes up with Hager. How much closer do you have to be to make someone cooperate.
We got down to where we thought the campsite was but there were no numbers and no other people at the campsite. We were not supposed to be the first ones there. We started to think that this was just some practical joke that they were playing on us. So we busted out our cellphones (probably why mine went dead) and used them to manuever ourselves around the dark campgrounds finally finding what we assumed to be our campsite.
They finally showed up and started setting up tents while Becky (fake open relationship girlfriend) and I started to make the melon. The neighbors came over to visit and somehow found out that I was gay so this guy who was really uncomfortable with homosexuals and his girlfriend who had a lot of questions started talking to Becky and I about everything. She was nice but just a little too inquisitive. All the while, Becky and I are goarding ourselves on the tipsy melon. I was not pulled away until it was time to start the fire. They required my lighter which was the only form of fire in the entire group. Lucky for them I smoked.
Becky and I went to our tent completely drunk and pretended like we were having sex for quite awhile trying to get comfortable. For an hour we could not get comfortable in our tent. I think we kept most of the area awake the entire time we were screaming.
The next morning came probably five hours later. Becky and I did not feel so well. We packed up camp and set out to the canoe rental place. But not before the theory of Shane knowing someone everywhere he goes was proven true. I ran into some med students from Kirksville that were down there camping only a few campsites over. Crazy huh. I wish that I would have known they were going to be there.
Becky puked outside of the canoe rental site while I picked up drinking again. I don't even think I was sober yet. I stole one of the coozies that hang around your neck. Oops.
We set out on the river but not before I bonged a couple of beers on the beach. The canoe set were Becky and I and Tang and Kyle. This soon formed a party canoe much to Kyle's anger. He didn't like the fact that all I was doing was smoking and drinking. Evidently, the person in the back of the canoe is supposed to do all the work. Not so. Becky was doing all the work and I was just sitting in back paddling every once in awhile. Everyone on the river knew Becky and felt sorry for her because I kept barking orders at her. She really was doing a great job though. I couldn't have been more proud of my hungover partner.
We pulled over for a break. I swear I peed every twenty minutes. Eventually not even stopping the canoe but peeing while on my knees over the side. We were the canoe that they park ranger warned everyone about.
I had decided to go in for a little wade to test out the water. I got in too far and couldn't get back out. I started going under the water and couldn't manage to get a good footing. So then, I started coughing and then puking. You would think that after drowning and puking that I would stop drinking. Oh no. This is where I learned my lesson later. Stop drinking after puking.
Eventually, I ran out of beer and cigarettes. This is when I figured out how much pain I was in. I started getting hungover before we even got off the river. I had too much sun and too much booze. The four of us pulled over to wait for the rest of the group. Me in hopes of finding the smoking canoe that was behind us. Honey Bunny never showed back up so I was just out of cigarettes. I managed not to get my smokes wet the entire time but the lighter was wet when I finally got back to the other smokes that I had set aside in case of losing the first pack. I was in a world of hurt. We went to a McDonalds after getting back and I didn't think I would be able to eat anything.
Becky and I hit almost every tree in the river but never tipped. I barely did any work. I drank myself hungover for the next day and a half. But overall, I had a great time. Can't wait to go back. I might post more, but I got a little longwinded. Kyle, Becky, and Tang, if you find anything missing, just tell me. I'll post it. I had a great time. Can't wait to see you all again.