Shane-- let me know what you think.

Can you tell me who the background pictures are of???

Yes, I am. Its a secret. Ok well its just Secret Violet Shimmer.

So it turns out that I left all of my personal hygeine products in Maryville. For most, this would require a trip to the local Wal-Mart or Hy-Vee. Not me. I am waiting for my mother to send my care package containing my entire toiletries case. In the meantime, I am using old cologne, old hair products, reserves of toothpaste, toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, and face wash. The only product that I could not find or go without was deodorant. I went for way too long yesterday without. When I informed my roommate, she said that they had lots of little samples of girl deodorant. Me, bringing out the woman in me, was perfectly content to shimmer and smell like violets. This is the difference between me and most other men. I am loving this new side of me. I hope that someone notices. I doubt if they will unless I shove my armpit in their face (which is not out of the question nor the ordinary).

Coming soon is a new template thanks to Jenorama.com. Hopefully it is really pretty. Any suggestions for pictures or things to have on it.

I have the priviledge of hating birds with a fear and passion. I have been terrified of birds most of my adult life. When they swoop at my head, I fall to the ground. When they bounce along the sidewalk and then bounce in my direction, I jump into the arms of a sixteen year old girl. Yes, I am that kind of man.

So today, when I was driving back to school from a weekend of getting poked fun at for getting frisked, I hit a bird with my car. I was cruising along at about 70 on a back road (one of many that lead me here) and two birds flew up from the road and ditch area. Normally this does not bother me, there is distance between the bird and I and a car. This time however, as I hear the crack of its spine against my windshield, I fell a slight terror through my blood. What if the bird didn't die and is now hunting me down. It is limping its way towards Kville as we speak.

I think though it probably died. This was slightly sad for me. It was one of the nice birds, not one of the many black birds that haunt my dreams. This one was fluffy and probably sang a good song. Now it will not be able to make babies with the partner bird which was definitely its mate. It was going to have little chirpy babies in a few months and eat the spiders that I hate so much.

Speaking of spiders and getting made fun of...This gigantic spider crawled on my brother after Easter dinner and instead of screaming or barely reacting to a spider no bigger than a nickel, I got up and started to hyperventilate. All I could do was point with my mouth open and air coming in and out in rapid succession. I am glad that I did not scream, but I did make a huge scene that caused my aunts to tease me about my fears. This brought up the story of the bat.

Ex-girlfriend, JoAnne (who cheated on me and I kept going back to for three summers), called me to tell me that there was a bat in her house and to come get it out. Ashley Walker and I to the rescue. We get to her door--locked. I call her to ask her how I'm supposed to get in. She has locked herself into her bedroom with the dresser in front of the door. I state that I am not going to break down her door in order to get a bat out of the house. She runs swiftly and silently to unlock the door and then returns in a flash to throw her dresser in front of her door. Ashley and I walk in with the ice scraper from my car. We find a laundry basket and a broom (better and longer than an ice scraper). As the "brave man", I crawl into the living room broom in hand, basket on head. I made attempts to swat at the bat to trick it out the porch door. Instead, it flies into the spare bedroom. I see it flying in little circles and magically it disappears through the hole in the window screen.

Before shutting the window, I peer out the hole to investigate something. Not exactly sure why I would do this. Anyway, the bat comes flying back through the window about the time my face is within inches of the hole. I fall straight back onto my ass screaming bloody murder. Ashley yells from the kitchen if I am ok. I scream back that the bat has come back into the house. I had updated her about the hole and it leaving. She asked if I was ok. To which I screamed again. The bat was swooping and went into the living room where the cats were doing a better job at bat removal. Finally, to no effort of my own, the bat flew out the front door. We closed the window and closed the front door. JoAnne would call her landlord to fix the hole and I would be the hero of the story to which I would get no rewards.

My uncle is a dick. He kept referring to the homo cop that frisked me and if I got his number (and he doesn't know). He also kept loudly insinuating in front of my mother things about smoking and trying to give me away. His wife is my hairdresser. She told me a story about him building a new house that is very close to my aunt. Since he now lives in my grandparents back yard, I called him a momma's boy and asked if he had connection issues. My aunt completely got on board. I can only hope that she teases him about it. I like her a lot and hope that she gets her way. Screw my uncle.

Easter went well. Can't you tell.

I'll try to post. Tonight was fun and made me realize how popular I am.

I bought a shot for the girl of my dreams. She just turned 21. I literally had a dream about her. She is amazing. To the bar manager, she stated that she became friends with me because I was the smiling boy on campus. I would always smile at her. She is soooo cute. I really think that if she didn't have a boyfriend, I could possibly date her. She is so cute and so nice. She makes me feel wonderful and that is what I'm looking for. Who cares where it comes from.

At one point, I mooned a car very close to a cop. Shook a guy's hand with a finger missing. Saved my wife, Karla, from getting stared at by grabbing her ass. Tried to make out with Rachel and a guy at the same time. Just for the fun of it. Drunkenly accepted a job. Complimented and treated my friends like poo the night long. For that I apologize. I love my Emmie and I will state it here for the world to know. Rachel is also fun. Sorry I grabbed your crotch. Sorry that I grabbed Eric's nipple. He deserved it. Sorry that I showed my ass. Sorry that I had thoughts of threesomes and making out. I just need some action. ANYONE? I mean anyone. Love ya.

So as not to disappoint Jenni and her visitors (since she recommended my site on her site I should do the same), I will post something new. Karaoke was sad without Jenorama present but we had Cabell stepping in as her replacement. But I got drunk anyhow. Too drunk even to finish an entire post. I started and kinda fell out of it. So here's the newest.

Rehearsals have been rocking. I love my show (May 6th). It will be awesome (my show is May 6th). So if you are in town, you should see it (May 6th). The show will start at 8 pm (May 6th). Subliminal messages rock.

Blazers rock and I need one. Something really awesome that fits well and isn't brown.

If I am 3-4 minutes late for your class, consider yourself lucky that I didn't skip. Don't give me a goddamn lecture about respect and my grade. If I get respect and a desire to come to class, then I will return it. If I feel like that class is the last thing that I need to put myself through, then so be it. Basically, I am getting to the point that one of my classes is not being helpful and I feel that we are not doing anything compared to the work that I'm doing outside of class. I am being productive and dammit someone should just appreciate what I give.

SlimFast can go bad. This I did not know. Otherwise, I would have had a chugging contest when I quit the diet last time. But now that I've started again, it is good to know that every can that I pull out has a 50/50 chance of making me gag and losing my appetite and the other half is that I will be starving myself throughout the day anyway. But I'm gonna lose the 5-10 that I've been talking about for a year. Goals: stop eating so much stuff, eat healthier, drink my meals (like vodka). This is my weight loss plan. Drunk happens quicker and saves you money if you don't eat. Its a win-win situation. Then you don't even want to eat the day after. Yay. Oh speaking of food--I think its time for Easy Mac.

My mother is having a hysterectomy. This scares me but evidently not her. I'll be visiting her this weekend to decide if I should go back for the day of the operation and miss a few classes. We'll see. I'm scared of her after though. I hear that major hormones are lost and it can put her into a type of menopause. She has a 15 cm cyst on her right ovary. The entire world should definitely hear about this. All my mother's secret womanly issues on the internet. Hey not like she doesn't tell everyone my secret stuff anyway. She's excited for 4 weeks off from work. Which she will be using to come see my play. I think that she will be the type to want to and try to go back to work before the doctor says she can. She owns the place. She can't resist going there for even a day.

My sister and I have also been getting along. The world is turning upside down. Terri Schiavo is dying. And I just want to say "Please kill her now so its not the top story on CNN anymore." Please I'm through and I don't want the legislation that would keep her alive.

Thanks Jen, but I beat you.

Bourbon Congratulations! You're 125 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (116), and liquor (52).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

The Alcohol Knowledge Test thanks to http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=16336235046633759176

Yep. Thats right. I got frisked by a cop. I was driving to Kirksville from St. Louis and I passed this cop because he was going 55 in a 65. I was right to do that. Anyway after I passed him, he followed me for awhile speeding up. Then he flashed on his lights. The van and I both pulled over thinking that he was going to speed ahead of us for some reason. Then he stopped behind me and the van pulled away. I thought that this was odd. The cop came up behind me and asked to see my liscense and registration (the usual as I've been through this before). Then he asked if I had any weapons in my car. "No. I don't believe so." "Its just a routine question." This I was sure was not a routine question because I had never been asked this before. Then he told me that I was pulled over for following the car in front of me too close. Bullshit! That is what that is.

He asked me to come back to his car to fill out some information. Also not something that I particularly wanted to do. When I stepped out of my car, he asked if I had any weapons on me and if he could check. This disturbed me but I put my hands in the air anyway. "You don't have to put your hands up, sir." So I put my hands down and then put them on my car and kinda spread-eagled. "Why don't you come over off the road." So I followed him to the shoulder more where he started feeling my pockets. "Chapstick?" "Yes." "Cell phone?" "Yes." Damn he was a good guesser. I'm guessing that he has done this many times.

So after the frisking, we get into his car where he makes small talk and I wonder if he is actually going to write me a ticket for following too close. I make up some lies and basically summarize my entire life to him in thirty seconds from nervous anxiety. Then he lets me go back to my car where I had left my window down and my door locked. I must have looked really stupid doing that.

For Jenni's recap of our week of fun, check out: Danger! High Voltage!

So Jenni and I watched Sideways tonight at this fancy fancy theatre. We were the only ones there so it was really cool. The projectionist must have thought we were crazy go nuts. It was such a good movie though. Loves me some Paul Giamatti.

The real interesting thing of the night though happens at the Coffee Cartel in Central West End. We went there to have a little late night coffee and stay for "an hour." So turns out that we ran into the same girl that we ran into the last time we were there (the time where a warlock read our futures and spoke some way crazy). I went over and asked her if she had a lighter. This is the way that we met last time. She was sitting beside us and we were trying to figure out a way to get our cigarettes lit without a lighter. She generously offered to let us use her friend's Zippo for the evening. We started talking and then got our fortunes read. I am going to marry a woman and have a huge black cat. Among many other things that were so crazy that I cannot even imagine them coming true. This was destiny that we would just randomly run into each other again. We all had the thought of the other as we walked into Cartel. Does anyone else find this too bizarre to be true.

Another coincidence that we just so happened to run into the guys who desperately tried to get me into a threesome. I mean desperately. They were also there. They came in later and I saw one of the guys walk to the bathroom. I asked Jenni if he was here the last time. At that moment, it clicked. He was one of the two boys from the gay bar (huge story involved there). I spent the rest of the evening trying not to make eye contact. I was so tipsy that night that when he asked for my number, I actually gave it to him. Why? I never returned any of the trashy phone messages that they left me. They invited me back to their bungalow because they both "approved" of me and thought that I might be fun in bed. Nothing that I could do or say would make them leave me alone. They were also at the Cartel. Anyone else that might have walked in that I knew might have been just a little too much for me.

Having a great time in St. Louis.

The weekend was hellish and the week is beginning off wonderfully. My grandmother's funeral was Saturday morning. They made me get up at 7 am to drive an hour to the funeral home. I tried so hard not to laugh during the 15 minute ceremony. It was hard especially when my Aunt and cousin started crying. That just made me want to laugh more. When I was carrying the casket, I kept stepping on my brother. I was quietly laughing each time I apologized for stepping on him. There were 8 of us carrying the casket (which is way too many for a short woman). I actually found out a lot of things about my family. They are crazy and funny but they expect way too much out of me. I was glad that the time spent with them was contained to a few days only.
Things that happened that I found funny:
1. My cousin got depantsed during the middle of photos.
2. The funeral home director would not leave my sister alone and kept asking her if she wanted another program or a flower. He really kept asking her. She had 4 programs and 2 roses by the time we left.
3. The funeral home director's wife (who forgot that I was in the room) started a story with "So this one day when I was wearing a wig...". Then she saw me and stopped telling her story. I really wanted to hear the end of that one. It was probably going to be the funniest thing I've ever heard.
4. My cousin Stephen kept talking to me about shopping and shoes. I wonder...?
5. We all started drinking at 1 pm immediately after the reception.
6. Speaking of reception, the cake that some poor old lady made almost made several of my family members gag and became quite a joke to see how many people we could get to eat the most horrible cake that I've ever put into my mouth. We got rid of all the cake simply by suggesting it to our favorite relatives.
7. Leaving made me so happy.

So fuck you VH1. We're having a much better week than you.

So here I am posting from a far-away city in the Eastern side of Missouri. Yeah for St. Louis. I am staying with my great friend Jenni. I get to stay in her room...she is staying in her sister's room. But her mother loves me. LOVES ME. Tonight I made dinner for the family. It was extravagent to say the least. I really almost outdid myself with this one. Honey dill chicken, dill smashed red potatoes, green beans with almonds (blanched), and a raspberry-mocha parfait (made with tofu and extremely low-fat). I was so impressed that with the great aid of Jenni we were able to create this meal that, other than the parfait, came from my mind and my throwing together without a recipe. We also broke out the wine that I purchased at Les Bourgouis (the LaBelle).

Went to see OK Go in concert last night at Blueberry Hill. Way fucking cool. They did this amazing C-C-C-Cinnamon Lips lip-synch dance thing for their encore. It was amazing as well as the entire show. I made friends and a lot of friends from Kville were there. We were rocking. In fact so rocking, the opening band The Sun gave us free t-shirts for being the only people rocking during their set. We were dancing and having a great time. They were an awesome band too. I got OK Go wristbands and a t-shirt that I got the entire band to sign. So much fun. Rachel and I were rocking out next to the hot new guitarist for OK Go and got some pretty awesome pictures on my camera phone (too bad I can't get them from my phone online--damn not paying for internet). I'm sure that I will find some way to make this all work and get sweet picts or the video from the show. Rock rock on!

Jenni and I had sushi. Why because I love it. We were very experimental and did a Chef's Choice type thing. Wasabi also helps to clear up my awful cough that worries me more and more. Not to mention scares the people around me. I hope that when I go to the doctor in a week's time that everything will be ok. But I'll give it a week before I do anything about it.

Hope everyone else is having as great a Spring Break as I am. Loves ya.

I'm the number one Yahoo search result for "ass crack" hipster. Sweet. Proves that the right people are finding my site. Thanks for the visit.

The night of auditions for the show that I will be directing, I got three missed calls in three hours. Eric, Emmie and my mother.

"Shane, I don't care what time you get this message, I need you to call me."

Concerned due to the fact that several people in our family have been sick, i called her immediately--postponing the meeting for a few minutes.

"Whats wrong?"
"Your grandmother is really ill. She might not make it through the night. You need to tell all of your professors that you might not be in class so that you can come home if the funeral is before the weekend. You need to be there for you father and your Aunt Becky and your Aunt Sandy. I think you should be there."
"I have to go Mom. I have to get my auditions done. Call me if you find out anything more."
"You really need to be there."
"I know. Its not really a choice. I know." She does not respond. This is not her mother and even though she does not even like her, we all know that we will be at the funeral. I know that it is what I should do even if I don't want to.
"The funeral could be as early as Thursday if she dies tonight. But you'll be home next week for Spring Break so that will be okay."
I am going to a concert on Monday in St. Louis and that is final. I will be making my way to OK Go and a much deserved and psychologically needed vacation. I will not wait around for my grandmother to die and ruin my Spring Break waiting for the grandmother who barely remembers me to die. I will be at that concert. "Ok. Bye."
"Good luck with auditions. Good night."

Looks like I don't really have to worry about any of that now. I will be going to that concert. OK Go here I come. Goodbye Grandma Doris.

First off, the exciting news. My show is cast and I got exactly who I wanted. YAY! I was so scared going into auditions and callbacks. To think--I am a director. Yikes.

Weekend wrapup. A little late.

Thursday night:
Found out that a delicacy of Ecuador is fried guinea pig thanks to Anna. Drank a lot and sang some.

Friday night:
Fucked up Lakeside. Got to do sound for the first time. Kept playing the same song over and over. Whoops. Found out that I'm definitely going to both OK Go and The Killers. Don't remember if i already posted on that. Don't remember if I found out on Friday. Anyway very exciting.
Made out in the bathroom of the cast party. Showed my appreciation to the orchestra by making out with the piano player. Showed my appreciation to Sara--well by making out with her too. Yelled at the Bitch for what, I can't remember. I was drunk. I went party hopping and bar hopping. That equals me drunk as a bitch. My roommate said that I yelled at a lot of people. Sorry for that. But I really don't remember what I yelled at the Bitch for. I think that it was probably well deserved. Always doing something to piss me off. Ditched me earlier in the night and was completely bitchy as normal. Had a great time otherwise. At least I think I did.

Saturday:
Met the guy that thinks he must be my twin. People have gone up to him on campus to say hello to me. I think that he does not really look like me. He has a type of my hair, but I pull it off better. At least in my defense, he was cute.

Saturday night:
Went to the Women and Gender Studies party at my bosses house. Got a tour and felt nice. Like she actually liked me. Love that. Started the MAKEOUT PARTY. The Jankie kids brought the idea and I got to execute it. Pseudo makeout with a professor. I don't care if it was just a little kiss with a little tongue. It counts in my book because it was a professor (unless you are reading this and care in which case it so doesn't count). But it was lovely. Ended up going to the next party and playing a rousing game of Spin The Bottle. Always love making out. I bring the sexy to the party.
Next party involved me giving a birthday makeout and finding out that there was talk of my junk. I say junk in reference to me wearing boxer briefs and a t-shirt to the cast party. Evidently, people noticed my "bulge" and were talking about it. One boy even sought me out just to see what everyone was talking about. He was the one that told me about everyone talking about it. I think I might have embarrassed him a little with my reaction. Oh really. It was cute.
Went to Hy-Vee with Rachel and Sara and got some shit to fry in Rachel's Fry Daddy. Nothing like a long night of drinking to think that fried food sounds better than amazing. Hung out way past my bedtime.

Sunday night:
Auditions after a long day at the Java Co. Lasted forever and then we had to battle it out for callbacks. Drank a little. Vodka tonic of course.

Monday night:
Callbacks. So nervous. Got my people almost immediately. It was so easy that we had a drink.
In the middle of callbacks, my mother called. Let me preface this with the fact that my grandmother is not doing well and might die before the week is up. I answer during a callback because I am thinking the worst. "I called to see what you were doing." "I'm in the middle of callbacks. Is grandma ok?" "She's fine for now" "Well then I have to go. Now is not a good time." What is she doing calling me just to see what I'm doing. I will think the worst and answer in the middle of anything. I don't really care when she dies, but it affects what I'm doing for the rest of the week. Will post more about the death of my grandmother soon to explain to people why she does not even know who I am.

To all:
Reading my blog is acceptable. As long as you don't tell my mother or anyone who will tell my mother. That would be bad news.

Thank you and I love you for reading.

Martha Stewart going home. Love that bitch. Love that bitch. I was so pissed that they think they could corral and ruin my Martha. Nothing is ever gonna stop her.

Instead of doing my homework last night as I should have, Jill B and Anna W. convinced me to go out with them on my off night. I went out Tuesday as Jen has already documented (sang some more songs to rock the house--Jen and I had line dancers for Dolly). So I went out for one drink. Two drinks and a few hours later, I've thoroughly embarrassed myself with stories of my penis, conquests, concerts and the like. I don't even remember all the stories, but Anna said that I got much louder since she graduated. Hmmm. Wonder when that happened. Ended up going to Shitty's and then coming home at 3 am to do homework. Pulled a "I didn't know what to do here. Can I have another day?" It so worked.

Speaking of not doing homework, my directing class is driving me crazy. Our professor evidently has no clue what auditioning is and what happens when it occurs. I can't believe the type of advice she has been giving us. But in terms of happy things...I screamed a lot after that class. Scared the shit out of Randy. Things like that make me happy.

In really good news, Jill said that I could get a job with the theatre company she is working with if I figure out that is what I want to do. So I have started thinking about my future.

Like for instance. OK Go--March 14th in STL with Rachel and Jill. The Killers with Jenny sometime in May. The future holds wonderful things.

This post sucks. I might change it later. But I had to update.

So poor Katie Rose comes home to tell me that she has a flat tire. She is panicking and looking in a book for the results. There comes a time when I must pretend to be a big-tough I-know-how-to-actually-do-mechanical-things man and change a tire. I put on all of my winter wear clothing (including pants that like to show off my ass crack) and head on out to face the weather. It just so happens that this is the coldest night in the past week. We get out the manual (nothing should ever be done without a manual when it comes to me and cars) and attempt to locate all the necessary equipment. I like getting dirty sometimes and dirty I did. Down on all four looking under the van to get the damn tire off of the whatchamathingie. The jack kept comfusing me in terms of me accidentally lowering instead of raising. Damn thing. But all in all mission accomplished in somewhere around 45 minutes. That is record time for me.

One time I spent an hour and a half trying to get the tire from under my truck only to call my father crying and force him to come out to help. The tire had rusted on there. I don't know which was worse, my father seeing me cry over a flat tire or me frustratedly kicking the truck for at least half an hour of that time.

When it happened my freshman year in college, I cried as well for quite a while. That time I had to call my uncle on the cellie and have him talk me through it. It just kept not going well and it was taking way too long. My friends all kept coming out for about 10 minutes not being able to help at all and then giving up. That time it only took me about an hour, but I was crying in the MO Hall parking lot as people were driving by just staring. I was late going somewhere but I forget where now.

The last time I got a flat tire was last winter. It was a winter storm and I had managed to stop at the stop sign. When I attempted to turn left, my car proceeded to not turn and go into the curb. I got it parked and thought nothing of it. Everything seemed fine when I looked at the car. When I got back from class, the tire was completely flat. Even so, I drove it the 10 blocks home. Later that evening when the snow finally let up, I decided to change the tire. Roommates in hand to take pictures, make fun of me, and read me directions, I was set. Plenty of pictures were taken, the car fell off the jack midprocess, and I don't think I have ever been that cold. I don't remember if I drank before or after, but I think that I drank quite a bit. The pictures are quite funny. Lots of smiling and no crying. I made it. New level of car management.

I hate balloons now. Especially balloons that you have to pay $1 for that pop whenever they damn well please. So far the longest a balloon has lasted for me is one day. They suck. And after my scene, if i have any left, I am going to suck the helium from one and give the others away. This should make me happy.

After quite an eventful night, it is time for me to do homework. I think that is a must.